• Susan Pattis

Why Do Married Couples Fight All The Time?

Updated: Jul 20

Almost all married couples fight regardless of race, color, or age. Many times, they fight for the same issues again and again without letting go. I heard different complaints from married couples, such as, "my husband threw socks on the sofa," "my wife chatted with her mother for two hours on the phone," "my husband forgot our anniversary," and "my wife checks my phone a few times a day." We assume that loving couples cherish each other with heart and soul after getting married. The fact is the opposite. They fight all the time as couples, and then they will make up as if nothing happened. Are there patterns for the fights between married men and women?


Yes, couples’ fights have similarities in many ways. Most fights happen when they have differences over money, housework, sexual issues, children, trust problems, and extended family conflicts. To some extent, fighting could be a healing tool to dig up hidden issues because it gives them the opportunity to talk about deep feelings. It is the worst choice for the couple to keep their feelings inside without sharing. What are the reasons that couples fight over rather than communicating nicely? The significant reasons are unhappiness from within, dissatisfaction with each other, ignorance about married life, and unrealistic expectations.

Here are six suggestions for married couples to reduce fighting and instead, begin to talk together without killing the loving relationship, destroying their faith in each other, and getting a divorce.


1. Changing an Argument into an Open Discussion

Most fights start from an argument or disagreement. It is easy for married couples to take each other for granted without carefully choosing kind words to start the dialogue. Couples should learn to be the most respectful listeners before getting married. Paying attention to each other by being a good listener is the most critical skill for a happy couple. Couples should stop fighting viciously and discuss the issue or challenge.


2. Converting Issues into Opportunities

Life is a complicated journey, especially for married couples. It is normal for people to have issues, challenges, problems, or even conflicts. The most crucial step to stop fighting is to face the difficulties and convert the problems into opportunities. It is not easy to change all issues into options, but at least, couples can grow and learn lessons together. There are always more answers than problems in life, even during difficult days. Husbands and wives should sit down and review the nature of the issue together without pointing fingers at each other. Never forget the vows at your wedding, especially the part about being together no matter what happens, for better or for worse. Happily married couples never make a judgment without fully understanding the other's point of view.


3. Sharing True Feelings, Not Just Hinting

Most married men or women like to give hints to their partners without openly communicating their actual thought or feelings. For example, many women would not say anything to their husbands when they are not happy with their uncaring, no hugs, reduced kisses, sexual incompetence, no phone calls, and short messages. Some women even remain silent for a long time to hint at the unhappy feelings. Men are generally not sensitive to women's hinting behavior or language. A male business leader from Asia gave up his marriage because his wife would not talk to him. He had no idea what he had done, and the protest went on for weeks. She shouted to him loudly in front of his employees without hinting at the reason. Trusted and open dialogue is essential for a married couple to be happy together.


4. Encouraging, not Blaming During Dialogue

Typically, couples' little arguments escalate into big fights due to the careless words used during the conversation. Married couples need to focus on the issue without attacking each other's personalities, integrities, or character. Never use the phrases like

"It is your fault," "I hate you," "you are a bad person," "you are a liar," "you are useless," "I regret being with you," "shame on you," and "leave me alone." Many couples get divorced because of wrong words used during fights or arguments; even when they still love one another. They let the loving relationship go by without saying sorry to each other because their pride is more important than saving the marriage.


5. Agreeing on Rules Before Getting Married

It is wise to set up rules before getting married if fighting is a married couple's normality. A married couple signed a 'communication agreement' on the night of their wedding. It has been on the wall next to their bed as a reminder for 30 years. They are the happiest couple I have ever known because their fights always end with a big hug and kiss. I secretly pray for them to continue their loving relationship for the rest of their lives without falling apart. Many other married couples went in different directions after a few years of marriage.


6. Treating the Extended Family with Respect

It is an untold reality that most married couples prefer not to connect with extended family. Unfortunately, the extended family is part of married life. Accepting and honoring extended family members helps the couple build a solid and long-lasting relationship, married people need to stay connected to their original families for moral and social reasons. Stop using the following words or sentences towards your partner if you want to save your marriage: "I don't like your mother," "you have the worst family," "I don't want to see them anymore," "no more house guests from your family," and "forget about them," etc.


It is true destiny for two people to fall in love and to get married. It takes time for a couple to relax into married life from the freedom of a single journey. Married people must cherish each other by focusing on positive traits. Uncontrolled arguments and fighting will destroy a marriage. Couples should dedicate time to discussing issues peacefully and respectfully in search of solutions. Married couples can then start enjoying each other with loving care to build a healthy and long-lasting partnership.